Ramblings

Turning 40 was kinda big for me. Now I am 42 but seriously – 40 was pivotal. In a weird kinda way. I’ve always joked that if I live till I’m 80 and die in my sleep, then I have lived a good life. BUT then 40 became that 1/2 to 80 mark and it felt like I didn’t have enough time. Silly right? Because there are no guarantees and anything could happen to any of us at anytime and we really don’t get the final say so in when, where and how we leave this world. Still. It kinda felt like this change took over me. All of a sudden, life became more fragile. I have always been a bit of an old soul and felt that I could relate to people of all ages. I had this realization that no matter our age, we are still who we are.

Losing friends around my age to sudden heart attacks and seeing my dad pass away – these things changed me. Losing a parent is a deep, deep loss. All morning I have had a song in my head that my dad loved. It’s kinda strange. I heard it last week on the radio but I woke up with it on repeat in my head. What does that mean? Does it mean anything? I am not a religious girl but I’d like to believe that my dad is somewhere good surrounded by his loved ones. I’d like to think that he shows up in my life in silly ways such as music or the random squirrel appearances {my dad had a thing about feeding squirrels so now when I see them, I think of him}.

Sometimes life just feels heavy. The world feels heavy. Human kindness is sometimes lacking. But sometimes, it’s beautiful. Sometimes the news shares stories that literally crush me. Awful, violent stories of people hurting people. The stories of children being harmed completely crush my soul. Some of these things are just beyond comprehension. Why? How can people be so hateful and mean? It’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s so easy to feel consumed by these stories and find fear in them happening to those you love the most. Having conversations with my kids about kidnappers and what to do should someone ever try and grab them. These are the conversations that break my heart. But it’s a part of our big scary world.

And the hate – don’t even get me started on that one. We are in an election year and boy are the haters out there. I have a rule, I don’t talk politics or religion with people Those conversations often get heated and ugly. I am not gonna change your mind and you aren’t gonna change mine. It’s a scary time though. I do feel that we need someone with kindness and compassion to rule this country – and maybe some humor. I think I’ll vote for Jimmy Fallon. Isn’t that an option? 😉 Kidding {sorta}.

As my grandpa would say, “Always keep your guard up”. He always said it as he waved both his arms in the air, I can still visualize it. I miss that man. See? Loss. It’s a tough one. Here come those tears that show up almost daily. The “I miss you” tears. They come and go at the most random times. They might show up for a second when I hear a certain song and then they are gone. I have pretty much resigned myself to wearing waterproof mascara. I have always been a crier. I wear my emotions – good, bad and ugly. So with that being said, I am not an Eeyore. I laugh. A lot. Life is full of good. It really is. I just feel every.single.emotion very deeply. If you know me then you are very aware of this. I cry, I laugh, I use sarcasm and cuss words to express myself. Sometimes I just have to have an emotional outburst {not in public – usually on the phone with a friend – thank you Stacie and Lisa}, to clear my mental space of whatever is consuming it. It’s like an emotional purge.

So my brain is often on emotional overload and I am always talking myself off the ledge. What I mean by this is that I am always trying to push away the worrying of the ‘what if’s’ in life. I am really an optimistic, glass half full kind of girl but people – there are clowns terrorizing our world! They are threatening schools and making children afraid. These are the issues that we could use a lot less of. Seriously, clowns. This has been a big topic with schools even sending home emails to parents about it. Sigh. Can’t we all just be nice and get along and not scare the crap out of people? I guess diversity is what makes the world go round but at this moment, I am burned out on the negative diversity. How about you?

I know that I haven’t been here in awhile and I always vow to write more. This post is obviously a bit raw and real but I just kinda needed to put it out there. Don’t worry, I will be back to decor and recipes soon enough! Thanks for listening.

2012 Ramblings and New Year Wishes

I have not been blogging as much. I started a new job back in mid November and it’s also been the holiday season so double whammy. The job came at a perfect time. I had been looking but not really getting any replies to resumes, etc. It’s a tough market and I just had a feeling that something would come via networking. And it did. A friend referred me to another mutual friend who needed a part time admin. {Perfect!} That is what I was looking for. It is a good fit for my family and helps with our monthly budget a bit. I realized how much less stressed I felt when I got my first ‘real’ paycheck. So this mama is acclimating to working out of the home after being an at home mama for 10 years. It’s good though. I feel pretty lucky to have landed this job. My boss and coworkers are all so nice. You can’t beat that. Oh, did I mention it’s an accounting office? Ask me how I feel again after tax season. Ha ha!! Just kidding 😉

December has been full of sadness for so many. It’s really been heavy on my mind as of late. Obviously the tragedy in Connecticut hit close to home for so many. It left lots of questions on how we can make this world safer for our children. It made us question gun control {OK, I have questioned this a lot. I know my views and opinions don’t align with many so don’t yell out me if you disagree!}. It made us question mental illness and how we can better cope with people who suffer from mental illness. I think mostly it just made us feel helpless. It also made us enjoy our own babies more this holiday season.

Another story I have been following in our little community is the one called, Shane’s Village. It’s about a local 8 year old boy battling Leukemia. The updates both make me want to cheer him on and cry for him. Mostly I’d love to give him a big giant hug. And his mama, I want to hug her too. My heart hurts for him and his family as they battle this disease. He’s this amazing little soul who continues to smile through the ‘yuck’ of a serious disease. What an inspiration.

There have also been several deaths from cancer and other serious illnesses this past month. Several people I know have felt loss first hand and they are trudging through the holiday season with a heavy heart. My heart hurts for their losses.

Last night I found out that one of my dearest friend’s has a sick little girl. She is in the PICU with fluid around her heart. They are not sure what has caused this. Medicine has not alleviated the problem so they are exploring other options. My girlfriend has also suffered from various autoimmune issues for years so the stress this puts on her is also not good. I’m sending many get well wishes their way tonight!! Maybe you can join me in doing so?

Then today came along — I was cruising along, running some errands alone as my sister took the boys to spend their Christmas money {awesome Auntie!}. Anyway, my phone rings and it’s her. She says in a tearful voice, “Don’t panic, everyone is OK”. Yikes. Not a call I wanted to get. They had been in a minor car accident. Everyone was OK but shaken up. Of course the 20 minute drive from Folsom to Roseville felt like a million miles. My babies are OK. My sister is OK. It was scary but could have been so much worse. So I am feeling extremely blessed to have healthy and safe kids but I am also hyper aware of how quickly that can change.

So going into 2013 can I ask for world peace and healthy children? Seems like a an easy enough task? Sigh. If only.

With that I am leaving you with a few of my favorite quotes – may you apply them in life. Along the way. When needed.

be kindsource

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let goSource

great thingsSource

live every day

 

Source

 

let goSource

small thingsSource

trySource

And last but certainly not least, I leave you with this:

just loveSource

I am so thankful for all of you that read my little blog. It makes my heart smile to see the comments and the shares. I love when you tell me that you tried and loved a recipe that I shared on my blog. Those of you who know me and read my posts know that I feel things whole heartedly and with this comes my emotions. The good, bad and ugly but no matter what my mood, I am always so thankful for all of the little things that really are the BIG things in life 🙂 I wear my heart on my sleeve and I may go from laughing to crying in a split second. I feel deeply. Then I share with all of you. Thank you for being there for my life!

What are your intentions for the new year? Whatever you do — do it with kindness and love. I wish you a new year with a happy heart and great blessings and love.